Life Through New Eyes!

It has been so long since I have posted anything new on here. There is so much going on and changing in my life that I simply didn't have the time. Most of the changes have been good and for the better. I made a move to TX and then journeyed my way back to the Sunshine state. I learned so much about not only life in general but about myself. Everything happens for a reason and I know that trip was a complete life changing experience. Nothing actually major and significant really happened. It was just a total change in my way of thinking. It's like I'm seeing life through a whole new pair of eyes and I love it.

Now that I have a new way of thinking I'm starting to take on new commitments, make life goals and reach farther than I ever thought I could. My newest venture is writing a novel. Now, I know many people will laugh at this concept but I really don't mind what people think or say at this point. This is something that I want to do for me. It will take much time and I most likely won't have anything published but I've set the goal to just finish it. Whether it's a piece of crap or a masterpiece it will be mine. Ahhh, so excited!

I pray that everyone goes through this moment in their life and experiences this amount of vast clarity. It's simply amazing to say the least.

LOVE

Love means something different to so many people. My mother will tell you that love in the sense of "fairy-tale" romance does not exist. To her love is tolerating someone enough to marry them and eventually trust them enough to allow them to share their lives together. (obviously her views are slightly jaded.)

To my grandparents (my pillars in life) love is their life. My grandmother told me that she had never seen what a Godly man was or was supposed to be like until she met my grandfather. My grandfather was her first and only boyfriend. They have been married for 50 years. They have had their ups and downs, arguments, financial trouble, family deaths and turmoil in their own relationship. But not once did they even consider divorce. When I asked my grandmother why she said, 'because God brought us together and it's not an option to part.' As simple as that. After being married 50 years they still look at each other like they are newly weds, still tell each other they love each other daily and I still catch them holding hands or sneaking a kiss. Their love is what I have based my idea of love on (with my own twist of course).

I believe that when I find that person I'm supposed to marry, I'm holding on for life. There is no option for divorce. I love the idea of life with someone who knows me inside and out and loves me despite my inadequacies. I believe in that fairy-tale love, the crazy over the top grand gestures and gentlemanly southern manners. I believe that there is someone out there that someday God will allow me to meet and he will complete me. The love I think of is that fantastical Disney princess romance. *shrugs* It may seem childish to some but as many times as I've been hurt in past relationships and spent Valentine's Day single I will forever be a hopeless romantic.

Finally!

Well, in the months that I've been traveling from state to state, town to town, (essentially being a gypsy) I not only had a good time I learned alot. I know now where I want to be and what I want out of life. I have worked on issues that have prevented me from maintaining a normal relationship, or any relationship for that matter. Everything happens for a reason no matter how big or small. So much I have learned and experienced on this journey. And I think that finally, finally I have gained a new perspective in life. I now know what matters and what doesn't matter. I am so grateful for the awesome people in my life and even more, I'm oddly grateful for my past. Because if it were not for my past I would have never become the person I am today. Bottom line: I'm a new person with new hope and perspective for a new year. I can't say that I'll never hit a rough patch again or that I won't have issues down the line but I do know that I finally have the 'tools' to work through it all. I pray that everyone else can experience the same thing at one point or another.

Light Bulb!

Over the past few weeks I have thought alot about my life and the person I not only want to become but the person I currently am. I've thought about what I want out of life and how I can use my life and actions to improve the lives of others. I know that I'll never figure it all out and discover the meaning of life. But what I have come to know is that no matter what....me planning my life isn't really working for me. I just have to go with the flow. What happens happens and where I end up is where I end up.

that's because I never know what I'm doing, I don't think before I speak, I think too much, I make hasty decisions without really thinking, I don't have it all figured out, I'm a procrastinator, I make sense only in my own head, I'm unconventional, I have no idea what I'm doing from one moment to the next, I'm slightly hypocritical, I care too hard and get lost often. I'm by no means perfect but at least at the end of the day I can say that through and through I'm me 100%.

Opening yet another chapter...

In my last few posts I know I told you all that I've decided that I'd become a vagabond of sorts and that I would be moving around at random and experiencing new things and cities, etc. Well, now that I've made the first step in that voyage I have realized that I am a wuss and that I might have gotten mixed signals from myself. I told myself that I wanted out and that I wanted something new and adventurous. ....I might have misunderstood what I was telling myself lol.

Though I love travel and experiencing new things I have come to a point in my life where I want to settle in somewhere. And despite what I thought when I was younger, I want to be as close to my family as possible. I am loving my little 'break' here but I am definitely decided that I do not want to be here permanently. Actually the day I got here I wanted to turn around and go home. Alot of people are expecting many things from me that I just don't think I'll be able to it give them. I admit that I have no clue what the hell I'm doing...in any aspect of my life. I'm still trying to figure out what I should/want to do be doing. I may never figure it out. But what I do know and what is clear at this point in my life is that I love travel, I love meeting new people, I'm enamored with history and I can take as many vacations as my wallet and good planning can get me but that I don't want to leave my family very far behind. Life is too short to piss away time with those who you care about most.

So in conclusion...I have no idea what I'm doing other than disappointing some people, confusing myself, putting miles on my car and continuing to try and figure out what I'm doing with myself. :)

:(

I would like to preface this post by explaining that if you don't know what type of person I am already just know that I am the least judgmental, most forgiving and patient person there is. I put up with a LOT of crap before I just walk away from a friendship. Now, I'm not saying that to fluff my own feathers but merely to express that I'm not a bad person. I've never in my life encountered anyone who flat out doesn't like me and thinks that I'm out to get them....until now. I won't use names for the sheer fact that it's rude and I wouldn't want anything to come back and bite me in the ass although I'm quite certain that it will regardless of my efforts.

This person has held disdain for me for years. I've tried in more ways than one to fix this notion and mend what I could but no matter how much I try or what I say it never waivers. I know I shouldn't care what they think of me but unfortunately I am in a position to where I cannot simply walk away from this person and pretend they don't exist. It hurts to know that I originally cared so much for this person and that I was being deceived the whole time. Not only did they go behind my back and invade my privacy but they also won't be grown up enough to come to me and discuss their issues. My biggest pet peeve is fake people who pretend to like you or be something they're not. This is all that I've gotten from this person from years. I've been used emotionally and never really been treated like the adult that I now am.

I say all this to say that I don't know what to do at this point. If I speak my mind with this person then they might dislike me more than they already do. My filter doesn't work at all so it's all or nothing! If I say nothing then I'll just be allowing my annoyance to bottle up inside. Ugh.

Umm....

.....yeah. I know I haven't posted anything in a while. Not that anyone is heartbroken or anything by any means I'm sure. I think the reason why I haven't posted in a while is because I don't really have anything new to really talk about. I noticed that my posts are usually rants about various things that annoy me. Maybe that's why I haven't made a post in a while. I don't really have anything to rant about. I am content.

There are plenty of those who want to complain about me moving and think that it's a bad idea, etc. But I haven't listened to any of them nor have I let any of it get me heated to the point of me responding to any of them. I know that this is what I want to do and I think it will be good, end of story.

So, pardon the rather bland update but I will share more when I get closer I'm sure. 2 weeks and counting! :)