Thursday, August 25, 2011

Turning a New Chapter

I have had a lot of time to think the past couple of weeks as to what direction I want to take with my life. What I really want to do and where I want to be. Now, granted I had no grand gesture from God telling me what I was to do and where He wanted me to go. (Although that would have made things so much simpler.)

But I did realize that at 26 (ouch!) years old I have no kids, no significant other, nothing tying me down. I could be a vagabond and not have to answer to anyone. Granted people would be upset, my father would chastise me and ask me what my "plan" is. The thing is, I've never really had a plan. Nor have I ever been fond of the idea of it. I had an idea of what I wanted but I never gave myself a chance to explore that idea.

Maybe I'll just take time to be selfish and think of me and what I want to do. I have no obligations to anyone. My family will always be there to love me at the end of the day no matter what decisions I make. Maybe it's time for me to pick up and start over somewhere new. Somewhere where no one knows my name, where no one knows who I am or what my past is. It's a clean slate.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Fakery at its finest

I have always been too trusting with everyone I come into contact with. I think it was because I always had a hope that they would be different than the last. That they would take the time to get to know me and understand me.

Over the past couple of years I have come to learn that many of my friends are only my friends because they are trying to get to get to my dad. I know that I shouldn't care a lick about these people as they aren't true friends and blah, blah, blah. But it still hurts. It's not like they're just acquaintances that I see out and about and maybe hang out a few times. They're friends that I thought were genuine that were almost like family. But the minute something went south with them and my dad regardless of whether it was a friendship, relationship or business venture...they would throw me to the side like I never existed.

Now the question is do I stop making friends for fear of them taking me for granted, or become friends and always be leery of what they might do?

Monday, August 15, 2011


The last few days have been such an emotional roller coaster. I am currently sitting at my desk after a full day of trying not to cry at work. So far, I am successful. Can't promise anything once I get in my car though.

My family tends to leave me out of the loop...about everything. Family member in the ICU? I didn't find that out until 3 days after it happened. Aunt in a car accident? Didn't find out for 4 months after it happened. Grandma has cancer? Didn't find out for 8 weeks after she was diagnosed. The list goes on and on. No matter how many times I say something about it and complain about how unfair it is, it never changes. I have often thought that I could change the way my family communicated. Unfortunately, every attempt on my part has been unsuccessful.

I can't change who my family is nor can I change the way they operate. But I can change my involvement. I am sick and tired of finding out serious family issues from 3rd party people.

People wonder why I'm so over emotional and sensitive? It's because I'm processing and expressing enough for the entire freaking family!

Sorry that this post was so negative and vent-y but it is what it is.