Friday, September 24, 2010


Last Friday I went to dinner with a good friend. After dinner we were standing in front of the restaurant waiting for valet to bring our car. This older woman came up to me and said, "Hey!" I searched her face trying to think which campaign party or courtroom that I had met her at. I returned the greeting and waited for her to start the conversation and hopefully tell me who she is. Then she said, "Smile. Everyday, smile...please." I thought ok, this lady is just drunk and needs to keep on walking. Then she said, "I would give anything to be in your shoes."

Seriously?? Who wants to be in my shoes; who wants to be me? I don't know who this woman was but she got me thinking. No one really wants what they have...they always want what someone else has no matter how minor it is. I always liked being myself and I love my life but sometimes I wish I lived in a bigger house or that my medical bills would mysteriously vanish or that I was a little thinner and had a boyfriend. We always want something bigger or better than what we have and we're never truly satisfied with who we are and what we have.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Divine Intervention.

For some time now I have been feeling lost. Like I am wandering through a fog soaked forest that I can't seem to find my way out of. I wanted out, I wanted a change. I needed to find the missing puzzle piece that would complete me and make me feel normal again.

I sat down and prayed. I prayed that God would place me where he wants me; show me where he wants me to be. The following week my friend invited me to go to church with her. I was hesitant at first but I knew she needed my support and a little Jesus couldn't hurt. I have been to this church in the past and it never really impressed me. The Sunday that I went it was like I was walking into a different church that I had never been to before. It clicked and I knew that God wanted me to be here and that I would be finding the missing piece to my puzzle. It's funny how God works. He will always answer prayers with a yes, no or not yet. I have been praying years for a church that I felt connected with. Little did I know that God was saying, 'not yet.' Perfect timing.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

My heart beats for love....

Yesterday as I sat curled up on the couch with the cat I asked myself, why am I single? Maybe it’s because I can’t find anyone that I really want to spend time with. Or maybe it’s because I work too much or it might be because I never really go out to clubs and stuff. But honestly I think what it all boils down to is Seth.

Seth is a guy that I was with for 3 years. When we were together I always felt safe, loved and important. I felt as though I was the only person who existed when he was around. I loved him beyond words. You could’ve put Brad Pitt in front of me and I probably would have still been looking around for Seth. Our friends always said we were like a little old married couple the way we would show concern and unconditional love for each other. When he asked me to marry him I thought that life couldn’t get any better than this. But all good things eventually have to come to an end.

Four months after he proposed he told me that he was gay. My world crumbled and I was a mess for almost 2 years after that. I picked myself up and dusted myself off and decided to put it behind me and find my real soul mate. Fast forward to 5 years later and I’m still single and going through guy after guy who I just can’t seem to ‘connect’ with.

I have come to this conclusion. I think I am not necessarily waiting for someone exactly like Seth by any means but I think I am looking for that same type of love. I am looking for someone who I can feel safe, loved and important with. I want to find someone who I love unconditionally and not give a second thought to being with anyone else. Sounds like an easy task to find someone like that, right? Yeah, it’s much harder than I thought it would be.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Give, give, give.

Lately I feel like a bank, chauffeur, maid, counselor, and nurse all rolled into one. My family and friends are draining me. 'Can I borrow $70, I promise I'll pay you back Friday.' 'Can I get $100, I will give it to you next week.' Seriously?? This is coming from people who are getting paid more than I do or have two jobs. Why do I say yes? Because it's family. All I know is that one day my ship will come in. Until then....I will continue to bitch about it first and then open my purse second.

Friday, September 3, 2010

It's not nice to talk gibberish.

I find myself at the office alone....yet again. Where is everyone else you ask? Well, they each have their own excuses as to why they aren't here. "I was out until 3am at that strip club down the street," or "I didn't get to sleep until 6am." Either way...I get some quiet time to myself so I don't mind too much. Plus it's Friday which makes everything better.

Last week I went on vacation to TX. Not usually the top vacation spot but because one of my best friends lives there it made it epic. We went floating down the Guadalupe River. Always fun when the river guide tells you to 'keep left at the first turn and then right at the second or else it's a bumpy ride.' Really? I have no paddles, there's hardly a current and you want me to steer in specific directions? Negative. What ended up happening was S and I yelling and screaming when we couldn't get over to the right side in time which resulted in our butts getting smashed on the rocks below...super. And to top it off S thought it was a great idea to pick the 4 hour tour instead of the 2 hour tour.

After we floated the river we went to the bustling, culture drenched San Antonio. We checked into the historic St. Anthony Hotel. Beautiful hotel, vintage circa 1901 yet it has been somewhat updated over the years. Looking at the lobby and the long hallways it made me start to feel as though I was caught between The Shinning and The Twilight Zone. I was told that the 9th floor is haunted and that as long as we don't get that floor we should be fine. I blew it off and thought that they probably just tell people that so they can attract those who have an addiction to the weird and unknown. I was apparently wrong. I have always been curious about what happens after death and whether or not the 'spiritual beyond' truly exists. I will now tell you a story that you may or may not believe. All I know is that I know what I heard and felt.

S and I met up with some friends at a local piano bar near our hotel. It was a great time, none of us had more than one or two beers and after watching some drunken patrons make fools of themselves we decided to call it a night around 11:30pm. As S and I walked back to the hotel we argued about who would use the bathroom first. And because she was much faster than me she won the argument. When it was my turn I went into the bathroom and sat on the loo. As I sat there I was replaying the scenes of the night and thinking about what a great time I had...then I heard a voice. Now, let me verify that S was on the other end of the suite in the living room area and the t.v. was not on in either the bedroom or the living room and that no one else was in the suite except the two of us. As I was trying to determine whether or not I heard anything in the first place I heard the voice again only it was louder and clearer than before. It was a man's voice that whispered, "Help me." I have never exited a bathroom so quickly in my entire life. I didn't even bother pulling up my pants. When I told S she said I was just making things up. So I went out into the hallway to get some ice and try to convince myself that I hadn't heard anything and I must just be very tired. On my way back I felt a hand brush through my hair. I proceeded to go back into the room, pray hard and slept with the t.v. and the lamp on. That is my with it what you will.