Light Bulb!

Over the past few weeks I have thought alot about my life and the person I not only want to become but the person I currently am. I've thought about what I want out of life and how I can use my life and actions to improve the lives of others. I know that I'll never figure it all out and discover the meaning of life. But what I have come to know is that no matter what....me planning my life isn't really working for me. I just have to go with the flow. What happens happens and where I end up is where I end up.

that's because I never know what I'm doing, I don't think before I speak, I think too much, I make hasty decisions without really thinking, I don't have it all figured out, I'm a procrastinator, I make sense only in my own head, I'm unconventional, I have no idea what I'm doing from one moment to the next, I'm slightly hypocritical, I care too hard and get lost often. I'm by no means perfect but at least at the end of the day I can say that through and through I'm me 100%.

Opening yet another chapter...

In my last few posts I know I told you all that I've decided that I'd become a vagabond of sorts and that I would be moving around at random and experiencing new things and cities, etc. Well, now that I've made the first step in that voyage I have realized that I am a wuss and that I might have gotten mixed signals from myself. I told myself that I wanted out and that I wanted something new and adventurous. ....I might have misunderstood what I was telling myself lol.

Though I love travel and experiencing new things I have come to a point in my life where I want to settle in somewhere. And despite what I thought when I was younger, I want to be as close to my family as possible. I am loving my little 'break' here but I am definitely decided that I do not want to be here permanently. Actually the day I got here I wanted to turn around and go home. Alot of people are expecting many things from me that I just don't think I'll be able to it give them. I admit that I have no clue what the hell I'm doing...in any aspect of my life. I'm still trying to figure out what I should/want to do be doing. I may never figure it out. But what I do know and what is clear at this point in my life is that I love travel, I love meeting new people, I'm enamored with history and I can take as many vacations as my wallet and good planning can get me but that I don't want to leave my family very far behind. Life is too short to piss away time with those who you care about most.

So in conclusion...I have no idea what I'm doing other than disappointing some people, confusing myself, putting miles on my car and continuing to try and figure out what I'm doing with myself. :)

:(

I would like to preface this post by explaining that if you don't know what type of person I am already just know that I am the least judgmental, most forgiving and patient person there is. I put up with a LOT of crap before I just walk away from a friendship. Now, I'm not saying that to fluff my own feathers but merely to express that I'm not a bad person. I've never in my life encountered anyone who flat out doesn't like me and thinks that I'm out to get them....until now. I won't use names for the sheer fact that it's rude and I wouldn't want anything to come back and bite me in the ass although I'm quite certain that it will regardless of my efforts.

This person has held disdain for me for years. I've tried in more ways than one to fix this notion and mend what I could but no matter how much I try or what I say it never waivers. I know I shouldn't care what they think of me but unfortunately I am in a position to where I cannot simply walk away from this person and pretend they don't exist. It hurts to know that I originally cared so much for this person and that I was being deceived the whole time. Not only did they go behind my back and invade my privacy but they also won't be grown up enough to come to me and discuss their issues. My biggest pet peeve is fake people who pretend to like you or be something they're not. This is all that I've gotten from this person from years. I've been used emotionally and never really been treated like the adult that I now am.

I say all this to say that I don't know what to do at this point. If I speak my mind with this person then they might dislike me more than they already do. My filter doesn't work at all so it's all or nothing! If I say nothing then I'll just be allowing my annoyance to bottle up inside. Ugh.

Umm....

.....yeah. I know I haven't posted anything in a while. Not that anyone is heartbroken or anything by any means I'm sure. I think the reason why I haven't posted in a while is because I don't really have anything new to really talk about. I noticed that my posts are usually rants about various things that annoy me. Maybe that's why I haven't made a post in a while. I don't really have anything to rant about. I am content.

There are plenty of those who want to complain about me moving and think that it's a bad idea, etc. But I haven't listened to any of them nor have I let any of it get me heated to the point of me responding to any of them. I know that this is what I want to do and I think it will be good, end of story.

So, pardon the rather bland update but I will share more when I get closer I'm sure. 2 weeks and counting! :)

Packin' up and Headin' West!

Ok, so although I said previously that I'm going to move out to TX or somewhere in them parts (gotta start workin' on my accent now ya'll lol) I have officially made the decision to move. A few people aren't happy with the idea but as my mother always says, 'unless they're paying your bills and deciding whether or not you get into Heaven don't pay attention to what they think.' It's not like it's the first time that I've moved or made decisions for myself and people got upset with me for various reasons. I'm just over it.

I don't know what adventure awaits once I get there but I'm ready for it. I'm excited for the new friends I'll make and the opportunities I'll have. So regardless of the negativity I'm getting from my father and various friends I'm still excited. Now, granted being me I can't get away with just sheer excitement since I'm riddled with issues. Of course I have a hard time with change. If the furniture is moved a different way, switching offices, moving across the country....I freak the freak out. Thankfully after a few days weeks I get acclimated and I am miraculously in love with my new surroundings and don't know what I did before then. And you wondered why I'm single! ;)

Age is Only a Number

I've always been one who gets along with older people rather than people my own age or even younger. Never have I pre-judged anyone for their age. I give them the benefit of the doubt and see if they're mature (or immature) for their age and thus we become fast friends. Though I have discovered lately that some people match their ages perfectly despite them attesting to this notion. I learned the hard way recently that those who are a little immature (or at least this specific person) tend to think that their problems and concerns are the only ones that matter in the world.

I on the other hand have always acted much older than I am (or so I've been told) no matter how hard I try to fight it. In my group of friends I am referred to as the "mom" of the group. Though I've tried to shake this title I take it with a grain of salt as I will never stop being concerned and looking out for my friends or other people for that matter. It's just who I am.

As I consider myself beyond my age bracket maturity wise I assumed everyone felt the same. Apparently to some that is not the case. A co-worker of mine told me yesterday that she doesn't think of me as a co-worker but just as someone who is younger than her. I took this as an insult. She always starts off by saying, "you know you young people." I get there are generational gaps and things have changed and we have a different way of thinking. But don't loop me into a category of people that you have created wherein you think young people are all immature and inexperienced and don't know nearly as much as you nor have they experienced anything in their lives. Granted there are younger people in this category...but not every young person deserves to be in this category.

I suppose I felt insulted because I've been working in my field of work for close to 7 years and I think myself to be knowledgeable enough to be thought of as an equal no matter how much of an age difference there is. And not to sound my age or anything but this co-worker is 20 years my senior and I'm above her in the hierarchy of our profession...just sayin'.

Turning a New Chapter

I have had a lot of time to think the past couple of weeks as to what direction I want to take with my life. What I really want to do and where I want to be. Now, granted I had no grand gesture from God telling me what I was to do and where He wanted me to go. (Although that would have made things so much simpler.)

But I did realize that at 26 (ouch!) years old I have no kids, no significant other, nothing tying me down. I could be a vagabond and not have to answer to anyone. Granted people would be upset, my father would chastise me and ask me what my "plan" is. The thing is, I've never really had a plan. Nor have I ever been fond of the idea of it. I had an idea of what I wanted but I never gave myself a chance to explore that idea.

Maybe I'll just take time to be selfish and think of me and what I want to do. I have no obligations to anyone. My family will always be there to love me at the end of the day no matter what decisions I make. Maybe it's time for me to pick up and start over somewhere new. Somewhere where no one knows my name, where no one knows who I am or what my past is. It's a clean slate.

Fakery at its finest

I have always been too trusting with everyone I come into contact with. I think it was because I always had a hope that they would be different than the last. That they would take the time to get to know me and understand me.

Over the past couple of years I have come to learn that many of my friends are only my friends because they are trying to get to get to my dad. I know that I shouldn't care a lick about these people as they aren't true friends and blah, blah, blah. But it still hurts. It's not like they're just acquaintances that I see out and about and maybe hang out a few times. They're friends that I thought were genuine that were almost like family. But the minute something went south with them and my dad regardless of whether it was a friendship, relationship or business venture...they would throw me to the side like I never existed.

Now the question is do I stop making friends for fear of them taking me for granted, or become friends and always be leery of what they might do?

Done.

The last few days have been such an emotional roller coaster. I am currently sitting at my desk after a full day of trying not to cry at work. So far, I am successful. Can't promise anything once I get in my car though.

My family tends to leave me out of the loop...about everything. Family member in the ICU? I didn't find that out until 3 days after it happened. Aunt in a car accident? Didn't find out for 4 months after it happened. Grandma has cancer? Didn't find out for 8 weeks after she was diagnosed. The list goes on and on. No matter how many times I say something about it and complain about how unfair it is, it never changes. I have often thought that I could change the way my family communicated. Unfortunately, every attempt on my part has been unsuccessful.

I can't change who my family is nor can I change the way they operate. But I can change my involvement. I am sick and tired of finding out serious family issues from 3rd party people.

People wonder why I'm so over emotional and sensitive? It's because I'm processing and expressing enough for the entire freaking family!

Sorry that this post was so negative and vent-y but it is what it is.

Anti-Climax Wednesday

I don't know if it's the full moon, the fact that it's Wednesday or my lack of yeast and wheat in my diet but I am one moody bitch today! I've already yelled at one client (which was not done without merit), snapped at a random walk-in who was in the wrong building yet was convinced he had an appointment with our office, and rolled my eyes so much they are now slightly twitching. **Breathes deep**

Ok, so now that you have that backdrop for my mood today here's what's been going on with me since the last post...

So after the last "episode" Bob and I are happy, communicating and drama free...and that is all I will say for fear of me jinxing yet another thing in my life lol.

Even though that first date was awesome; I broke out in a severe case of hives while in the theater. They were actually the worst I have ever had in my life...literally. He freaked the freak out while I remained slightly more calm. The following Monday I scheduled an appointment with an allergist. I am apparently allergic to so many foods, pollens, molds, etc. that my body went into retaliation mode because it went untreated for so long. Now I have to do Immunotherapy for two years before any changes are seen. So I've begun to read every label, carry EpiPens everywhere I go and eliminated almost everything from my diet that I used to love.

The only thing that keeps me sane is knowing I'm losing weight and avoiding painful and embarrassing hives.

I say that to say that EVERYONE should go get tested for allergies regardless of whether or not they have issues! You may not notice anything or have the occasional cough or itch when using cleaning products or sitting outside on the lawn but you never know if there's something more serious going on.

Another Friendship Dies.

Of course with the title of this post you can assume that there is yet more drama that has unfolded in my life. I have once and for all learned my lesson in dating a guy that a "friend" suggests for you. In this case it is of course the same friend that I've been having issues with and that I kept giving chance after chance to. But as of this past weekend I am completely done with it, I just can't handle the stress that it causes.

On a side note, as a new side effect of my Anxiety Disorder I'm now experiencing uncontrollable, unpredictable hives. As if it wasn't hard enough to go out in public without a slight twinge of anxiety...now I have the added worry of if I will have a break out and getting past people staring once I start breaking out.

This past weekend I had two separate "attacks." The first and most embarrassing was while I was out on a 'non-date' with Bob. While sitting in the movie theater I could feel the itching coming on. As I fumbled around in my purse for the Benedryl I realized that my hands were swollen as well as my wrists. After the movie, Bob was frantic and actually tried to take me to the hospital. Him freaking out only made me freak out more. So after drinking almost a whole bottle of liquid Benedryl and taking a cold shower I fell asleep. Then it happened yet again over the course of the weekend...again while I was out in public. At this point I would be content in becoming a hermit and remaining alone...at least until I can get to an allergist to figure out how to get rid of them...

Hometown Glory

I'm sure that at this point everyone has seen the devastation that has happened to my little hometown of Joplin, Missouri. Thank God my mom and grandparents were spared and the most damage is a little water damage to my grandparents home. At this point my mom is worried about how they will have enough money to put food on the table since neither her or her husband are able to work at this point. My mother works/worked at St. John's Hospital which is now in shambles. My step dad is a welder and because there is no water at his workplace, he too is out of work. My sister's two friends were killed while out on a shopping trip. A cousin's friend has a husband who is still missing and so many others are unaccounted for. In a town as small as Joplin...everyone knows everyone.

Looking at pictures of the devastation I can see the parks I used to play as a child completely gone. In some pictures it's so destroyed that I can't even tell where it is or what I'm looking at...just miles and miles of debris.

I know that such a small town has already banned together to help everyone in need regardless of the amount of damage and injury sustained. They will not stop until everyone in need has been helped and every home and business has been restored. I just wish that I could be there to help.

If anyone reading would like to help in any way here’s how to get involved:

•To support the Salvation Army disaster relief efforts, people can text the word “JOPLIN” to 80888 for an automatic $10 donation, call 1-800-SAL-ARMY (1-800-725-2769) or go to www.salvationarmy.us. Donations may be mailed to The Salvation Army, 3637 Broadway, Kansas City, MO 64111.

•To support the American Red Cross disaster relief, people can text the word “REDCROSS” to 90999 to make a $10 donation, or call 1-800-Red-Cross (1-800-733-2767). Donations may be mailed to the Red Cross’ Greater Kansas City Chapter, 211 W. Armour Blvd., Kansas City, MO 64114.

•Heart to Heart International is asking medical volunteers to contact the organization at 913-764-5200. The general public can make financial contributions or pack hygiene kits. To learn how to pack the kits or to help in other ways, go to www.hearttoheart.org. Heart to Heart sent medical volunteers to Joplin Sunday night and has since deployed its mobile health clinic to the region for further medical aid.

•The Community Blood Center is asking area residents to donate blood this week. To find a mobile blood drive, go to www.savealifenow.org or call 1-888-647-4040. Donors can also go to one of Community Blood Center’s seven neighborhood donation centers.

•Spin Neapolitan Pizza will collect money at its four locations through at least Friday or until it raises $2,500 in donations. The pizza company also will match the total donated up to $2,500. The proceeds will go to assist Heart to Heart International.Spin has locations at 4950 Main St. in Kansas City; 1808 N.W. Chipman Road in Lee’s Summit; 6541 W. 119th St. in Overland Park and 14230 W. 119th St. in Olathe.

•Summit Christian Academy and GracePointe Church in Lee’s Summit will make a trip to Joplin to drop off supplies Wednesday morning.

They are looking for donations of bottled water, clothes, medical supplies, gas cans, generators, extension cords, nonperishable food items, toiletries and baby items including diapers, wipes and formula.

Drop off supplies between 7:30 a.m. and 4:30 p.m. today at Summit Christian Academy, 1500 S.W. Jefferson St., Lee’s Summit.

Frustration running rampant...

I realize that I haven't made a post in quite some time and the main reason is because I have so much going on with...everything really. For me to talk out everything makes me feel like a broken record and at that point I start to annoy myself so I can only imagine how everyone else reading this feels. And yet...I'm probably going to do it anyway lol.

Ok, I understand that there are some people in this world who are perfectionists and ALWAYS have to be right and look like they know every possible piece of correct information there is to know in the world. What I don't understand is how these people can flip it on and off like a switch. A co-worker/friend of mine is one of these said people. She's very intelligent and knows more than me when it comes to certain areas. Yet she seems to think that it's perfectly ok to steamroll right over me a good 3 or 4 days a week. Taking my calls, handling my files, and making me look like an ass to the boss. Then she's back to friend mode like nothing happened. I know that I know what I'm doing and that she's just trying to maintain the polished, perfectionist image she has of herself but that doesn't stop me from wanting to confront her but I'm the furthest thing from confrontational so I don't really know what to do...

Yikes....this turned out to be a rant post didn't it? Well, I promise to make more of an effort to post something worth reading next time and not just more gibberish about dumb work stuff. :)

I'm back!

Though I haven't written on here in quite some time not a whole lot has happened...for the most part. We've already established that I'm quite boring at times so this shouldn't surprise you in the least bit.

During my absence I found out that I have a new baby brother coming. The whole story encompassing this would be much too long and complicated to explain. We'll just say that we are all excited about a new life and addition to the family but none of us are very happy about the circumstances leading up to it. But either way there's nothing anyone can do about it and it just is what it is.

I also found out that my grandmother has stage 2 ovarian cancer. It scares me that 1. this increases my risk of developing a cancerous cyst 2. I've already had one ovary removed and might lose the remaining one 3. I'm scared for her. Though her and I are not close by any means I don't want her to pass without me kind of making amends for my negative feelings toward her all these years. My mother has made me promise to go visit her before she passes. She's still fighting it and no one has given her a time limit on life but we're all scared in general.

There's much more to be said about losing friendships, dealing with anxiety, depression and other stupidity but that's a story for a different time. And now despite all of this I'm legitimately happy. See, I sat down and had a talk with myself and said, 'Self, you can't go around all gloom and doom, over analyzing everything and not doing anything to change your outlook.' So I changed it...and it feels good!

One thing is for sure...I'm definitely avoiding negative people like the plague because that shit will come back and stick to you double fold.

You say you want a Revolution?

I wish I could travel back to the days when the changing of times was prevalent and constantly evolving where life had more meaning. Where the youth was concerned about world peace and freedom, not which reality TV star they wanted to watch. Back to the time of oppression and tyranny where everyday was a step closer to overcoming the struggles of everyday life.

In my opinion John Lennon was the father of the revolution. He protested, fought and devoted his life to showing the world that there is more to life than fighting and hate. His anti-war movement started a wave of love and togetherness.

Though we're still evolving and there is still war, hate and ignorance running rampant...it seems as though we've become complacent.

I suppose the only thing to do now is to start my own revolution...whatever that might be.

Holy drama Batman!

I realized today that I haven't blogged in a heck of a long time. Not that I have too many readers at this point to really be disappointed about my absence but I digress.

Of course while I was away the drama I was talking about before snowballed. Bob came to be and told me that he was over my dark little rain cloud and that he couldn't believe that he wasted 3 months of his life on her...but all was not lost because he met me (awww). He asked me to tell him detailed accounts of her past relationships so he could better understand her and what happened when they were together.

Granted I probably shouldn't have told him as much as I did but I only spoke the truth and I wanted him to understand exactly what type of a person she was and how she operated in relationships and what she was doing with him in particular. He finally saw the light and realized that he wanted nothing to do with her. Sweet.

Well, 2 days later apparently she performed some sort of hypnotics on him because he forgot everything I said to him and is once again following her around with his head firmly up her ass. Though she says they're just friends he sings a different tune. Either way, I removed myself from the equation and told both of them that I didn't want to be asked for relationship advice nor did I want to hang out with either of them as a third wheel. So, that's another relationship down the drain for me. On to more online dating and friend set-ups. Yay. (If you know me at all you can hear all of the sarcasm dripping out of that last yay.)

So....yeah....about that.

My friends are awesome. True story. The fact of the matter is that there are a lot of people who will consider me their friend or even best friend. But I have discovered that there are only a select few that I actually consider my friends and even fewer that I declare my best friends. Mostly because I'm too much of a deep person for most people and they usually don't stick around for more than a few seconds. And if they do...well, those are the ones who are lucky enough to know me at my best and worse

One of my best friends is Jon. We met freshman year of College in Psychology class. I saw him across the amphitheater looking all hot with his dark hair and bright blue eyes (which I found out later were just color contacts) and perfect teeth. I bravely asked him (after weeks of just smiling and quickly looking away) to go to the movies with me and a couple friends (which translates to a sneaky double date). He accepted the offer and I was swooning. A week later I find out that he's not interested in me and is subsequently gay. And the rest is history! We were inseparable in and out of school. Everyone who didn't know the details thought we were together. And even now with states between us we're still the best of friends. There's never a time when we're together or talking that we don't laugh uncontrollably.

Just yesterday he calls me to give 1st class dating advice,

Jon: Hey boo boo, how are you and the yummy boy doing?

Me: Umm, ok I guess? I don't know he just kinda makes me nervous sometimes.

Jon: Why? Are you being weird? Don't be weird!

LOL, and this is why I love him so much...that and he does my hair for free every time I see him.

O.M.G.

I know I have expressed before my frustrations with a certain co-worker who never really seems to have it together. Just to really drive my point home I will share a conversation we just had...or rather I had.

Me: Hey, were you just standing near the door?

Co-worker: No. what?

Me: I was at the cabinet and thought I saw a shadow like you were standing in the doorway.

Co-worker: Huh? Oh, why did you see something?

Really? Why do I waste my time talking?? Here's another one just a few seconds ago...

Co-worker: **slurred speech** Hey girl, what's up? Tell me what's going on with you.

Me: Um, I'm good? ...nothing is going on.

Co-worker: Are you sure? What's going on, what's up?

Me: No, I'm fine...just working.

Co-worker: Oh...well that's....(inaudible)...**falls asleep at the desk, while talking!**

I post these conversations here so that I can laugh about them instead of going over and punching her in the face. lol, and because of that I'm sure I will be posting many more in the days to come.

The inevitable.

All my life I have had a fear of becoming like my mother and inheriting her Bipolar disorder. Today I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Though what I have is nothing near what she is/was dealing with I still have a twinge of loathing toward her...not that it was anything anyone could prevent or be accountable for. I know it's irrational to blame her for any of it but on some subconscious level I think I do. To me it's embarrassing to admit.

No amount of gnashing of teeth will change the situation. I am currently fighting the doctor on taking any medication as I feel as though I can try to control it with relaxation techniques as well as reducing my stress levels. Hopefully it will be something that I can overcome easily and not have to resort to medication. Here's to hoping and praying.

Growing up is awesome!

Today I was looking through all of the facebook suggestions of people I may know and want to friend because of our mutual friends. As I skimmed through I kept seeing all these people from High School or Church Camp or even some of my family members that I choose to not speak to (much to my parent's dismay). None of these people are people I would want to friend because I can't go back to the fake happy that is Edmond Memorial. The place where your peers drive Mercedes to school and live in mansions with tennis courts in the backyard and everyone is happy because nothing could ever go wrong.

It got me thinking about the past and how much I have changed as a person since I was younger. It's been almost 9 years since I graduated High School. Back then all I was concerned about was Choir competitions and making sure that I was different enough to stand out in a crowd yet normal enough to fit in. My friends were all a year older than me with the exception of my choir buddies. And until my junior year I never really hung out with anyone in my same grade until I was forced into it when all my friends graduated. As far back as I can remember I've never had problems making friends or fitting in with anyone...I find you can always relate to someone on some level no matter who they are or what they do. But I always veer toward the older crowd.

The person I am today is much different from the person I was when I was younger. From freshman year in college on I blossomed into a completely different person that I like very much. I'm no longer concerned with what people think about me, I'm a bit of a workaholic and I try to fill every moment with the fun I never had as a kid. And now I know who I am and I know the me that everyone thinks I am and it still makes me happy to be me.

Save the drama for yo mama!

**Sigh** I am not a fan of caddy girl fights in general let alone over a guy. It's petty and immature. There's always another way to deal with things rather than being dramatic, mean or caniving. It's just not necessary.

Somehow despite all my convictions about it I have found myself smack dab in the middle of drama. This is how the story goes: my dark little rain cloud decided that she was finally ready to cut the nice guy loose (we'll call him Bob for now). We talked about it and I told her that she was hurting herself as well as Bob by staying with him and not being interested or committed. I made sure she understood that I was saying this out of concern for her happiness and not because I was wanting to swoop in and steal him. (Though I would like to be that skilled, I can't fathom picking a guy over a friend.) She told me that she has no problem with us getting together at all and that we are so perfect for each other that it's just wrong for us to not be together. Whatev.

The point is that there's a concert she has been wanting to go to and wanted me to go with her but I had plans for the same weekend. My plans are not set in stone and are looking like they won't be followed through. I didn't tell her this in time so she invited Bob to go with her despite her voicing how much she didn't want him to go with her previously. So she tells me that he's going and forwards one of his text msgs to me where he was telling her that he wanted me to go to the concert as well. I told her that I would go at this point. Because I didn't tell her about my plans falling through earlier she interpreted this as me not wanting to go with her but that I wanted to go when he wanted me to go.

Now she's mad but won't say she's mad. Grr! This is why a majority of my friends are guys. Because with the exception of a select few...girls are caddy and filled with drama.

Blah.

I realize that I haven't blogged in a few days. I was trying to come up with something really cool to write about and then I realized that I'm so overloaded on work and other people's drama that I have no energy to write about the non-existent drama in my life.

Though I will leave you with just a little bit of an update. My birthday was Monday so the weekend before was spent dancing on too high heels and drinking just enough to keep my liver in working condition. Of course with my group of friends there was the usual drama of who's riding with who and yelling at one another for being late or not wearing what was agreed upon. (I went through the trouble of picking out a beautiful black party dress for the occasion only to have an allergic reaction to some new make up and had to throw on jeans at the last minute to mask the hives.) I still had a great time dancing my way into the VIP area which I didn't bother to reserve since it was $900 for 15 people...for 6 hours.

And another birthday highlight was when the sweet talker thought he should call and tell me that he was going to come see me for my birthday but that the plane ticket fell through. Long story short he was coming to see another girl he had just met online and because she wouldn't get the ticket through the airline she worked for he couldn't come out. Needless to say I'm done with that one.

On a lighter note, I just won two tickets to a private concert & meet and greet with Grace Potter and the Nocturnals! Woo hoo!!!!!:)

Really??

A friend of mine just said to me, "as long as you always make the decision to better your relationship with your family and you don't leave your child behind then you'd be a good mom." The fuel behind her statement is a fight her and I got into over Christmas break. And I will say that every time I go home for the Christmas I struggle with evening out the time between my friends and family because there's a lot of people there that I only get to see once a year. Yet each year her and I always get into an argument because she thinks I'm not making enough time for her. This year was no different. She was even more hurt because I didn't spend more than an hour give or take with her son. I won't go into specifics for fear of me getting on my soap box but I will say that it was not my fault that I didn't get to spend as much time with her as either of us would have liked.

Why do people feel the need to give their opinion when it was clearly not asked for? If you really think someone needs to hear something you might want to take the time to really put thought into what you're saying and present it better so you don't offend the person you're talking to especially if you claim that they are your family.

Hello, my name is The Relationship Whisperer!

Friday night I went to dinner with three of my girl friends. All three of these friends were having boy issues. Friend #1 had just broken up with her long term boyfriend by moving out while he was at work. She was frustrated at his inability to understand the situation and didn't know how to respond to the numerous text messages. So I took her phone and typed out a mean yet dignified message to the jackass (and when I say jackass that's an understatement. The guy cheated on her after her dad had just passed away). Friend #1 was like, 'Omg, that's awesome! Here, keep responding to him!' The other two girls thought that it would be a fantastic idea for me to text their guys as well. There I sat, typing away expressing feelings and trying to fix relationships.

And to top it off yesterday morning friend #2 asked me to type and send her a message to forward to a guy that she wasn't interested in who kept calling and texting her and flat out being rude and obnoxious. And after that yet another friend of mine came to me and asked me my opinion on what she should do in her current relationship. So apparently I am now the relationship whisperer!

I called my mom (because I'm lame and my mom is my best friend whom I tell everything to) to tell her of my newly discovered calling. After asking me advice regarding my step-dad (as she often does) she agreed. Once I talked it out with her soon I realized that I am great with relationships but my fear of commitment and rejection keeps me so far out of the game that I can't even use the advice I give and have the option to strike out.

Who knows if I will actually be able to use this as a turning point and quit being self sabotaging or if I will continue to do the same thing I've been doing. Here's to hoping!

Something in the water.

The full moon = crazy people! If anyone ever thinks that this statement is a myth needs to just come on down to my office and deal with these lunatics. You'll quickly learn that it's definitely true.

Actually, the full moon craziness spans throughout this whole week for me. Amidst planning my own birthday party, taking care of my sick father, working and unexpected pregnancies the work crazy feels more crazy than usual.

So glad that it's a 3 day weekend. TGIF!!!!

Operation Crazy

Today I came to the realization that even though I complain about being single...it's much better than being in a relationship filled with drama. Though I've never been one for drama even when I'm in a relationship. You want to go out with your guy friends? Please do, that way I have time to hang out with my friends. Don't want to sit on the phone for hours talking about what I think I should wear? Sweet. Cause I don't care either! Want to go to a strip club with your friends? Cool, as long as you don't go home with anyone or spend hundreds of dollars on dances and liquor that's fine with me! Seriously, it is.

So even though I'm that chill about things that should cause arguments and sheer boredom...I'm still alone. After doing my 'field work' evaluating other people's relationships I have noticed that guys are somehow attracted to the crazy, over the top, jealous, needy girls. I haven't found one that hasn't put up with at least one of those qualities. By nature I have none of those qualities. Ok, maybe I'm a little jealous sometimes but it never gets to the point where I feel like I need to account for every girl's number in his phone or make sure that he doesn't smell like woman's perfume.

This research leads me to believe that if I start acting neurotic and crazy then maybe I'll be "normal" enough to get a guy. Operation Crazy begins!

Happy Single's Awareness Day!

It's Valentines Day. Yay. Everyone is all lovey dovey and buzzing about dates, presents and what wonderfully romatic thing their sweetheart did for them. Now, I am not a completely bitter old spinster but I think I might be getting closer and closer every year. I've never really had a date for Valentine's Day unless I was in a relationship...and even then I had a boyfriends that were so inept that they couldn't even send flowers let alone try and get a dinner together.

With that said, I'm not really big on what gifts I get, being taken out or whatnot. All I ask is that you think of me. If you can put in enough effort to pick up a phone or send a few carnations; that would be enough in my book. Am I that lucky? Nope.

I am aware that I'm getting older and still single, I can deal with it. But Valentine's Day is the one day every year where I can't just deal with it because this day is a CONSTANT reminder that I'm single and that Cupid wants nothing to do with me. So, I will try to get through today with my sanity. I will ignore the explosion of hearts and flowers and all the gushy crap. (And the really crappy part is that I am a complete sappy, fairytale, movie love romatic...I make myself sick.) I will now go and eat heart shaped foods and enjoy my Singles Awareness Day.

People are stupid...I'll opt for a ride with The Doctor.

Ok, so be forewarned that there really is no point to this post other than to allow myself to vent. If you don't want to read incoherent dribble...I suggest you look away.

First vent: I don't understand how it is possible for someone so ignorant and idiotic to have a position in a legal office. How? How is it possible that someone got through enough hands to be deamed qualified to have a job when they literally walk into walls and doesn't know how to work a copier? I know that everyone has to learn and come into their own...but when you've been in this profession for a few years then it's time to stop acting like you have no clue what's going on or get out! I wouldn't care but it's interfering with my work and it needs to stop.

Second vent: Usually I have always been the go-to shoulder to cry on for friends, family, strangers, etc. I have no problem doing this and it's always given me a sense of honor because someone needed me. But every once and a while I need a shoulder to cry on. And no matter how small and silly or how big and serious it is...I can never find someone willing to be the shoulder I get to cry on. It makes me feel as though I need to reevaluate all my relationships and friendships with the people in my life. I don't mind the give but I think I should be able to take every now and then. Because sometimes it's about me....not all the time but sometimes.

And now I am done with my venting. I will now proceed to go home and veg out with some Doctor Who and Vampire Diaries. Yesssss!

The boy is mine...or yours...or mine?

My dark little rain cloud of a friend is starting to be less and less dark. She of course still has the underlying dark and twisty-ness that she loves so much and makes her unique in her own right. Love her! Now there is a guy she's "dating" and isn't interested in taking it any further with him...or so she says. She says he's too young for her, he's too nice, too shy, too much of a good guy, etc. Though she knows he's a great guy...he's just not for her. My dark little rain cloud wants me to date the nice guy. Great, right? Well, it would be fantastic except she hasn't told him that she's not all that interested in continuing things with him. Now at this point if I swoop in and try to get with him I'm gonna look like the bitch for stealing a guy that's obviously interested in my friend and thinks they're together. And to make matters worse...she's still hung up on her ex...and there's also another guy that she's sort of talking to.

I figure I'll just be friends with him until she decides that it's time for her to release him back into the wild. I'm not one for waiting around or taking leftovers but when I say that I have never met a more perfect match...it's a huge understatement. Besides, it's only been a couple of days...who knows what will happen. Though by saying all of this I most likely jixed myself as usual. Ugh!

The incredible bloating woman!

This odd phenomena that I like to call "The Blimp" tends to happen more often than I would like to admit. It's when sometimes I feel as though I'm really slimming down and I look fantastic and all my clothes look great.... then the next day or even later the same day I feel like I'm instantly 30 lbs heavier. WTF? Yesterday I felt great and wore these tight black leggings and a cute purple knit top; and today I feel HUGE. I'm sure that it's all in my mind but it bugs me out and it's rather annoying if I do say so myself.

Ugh, makes me wonder how different I look during those slim feeling times when I put on clothes that are more form fitting feeling as though I look pretty freakin' hot. My mind sees one thing but it's probably a whole different ball game on the other end of reality. :( Looks like I'll be hitting the gym after work today.

Oh a day in the life...

So, I've decided that today is going to be a good day. It just is. Mind over matter. I will ignore the idiotic dribble of needy clients and the ever present stupidity of some co-workers. And just like that *poof* it's a spectacular day! :)

On another note...the sweet talker from my past has once again started calling me. Why? Well, because his so called "girlfriend" (I used that term sarcastically because though he won't tell me I know they're engaged and not just at dating status) is being stupid as he puts it. Apparently I'm once again looking like the prized package. When I told him that I was dating someone (I'm not yet though I was fixed up with someone recently so I'm not lying through my teeth completely) he gave a long pause and said how happy he was for me that I was happy. If I've said it once I'll say it a thousand times....I'm done being the girl that sits on the side waiting for someone to notice me. I said goodbye to that girl years ago.

If the sweet talker wants to put his big boy pants on and take some freakin' initiative...then that's one thing but if not...I'll become the one that got away cause I'm not waiting. Besides, my birthday is next month...which for some reason I tend to get asked out a lot during my birthday month...maybe it's because the stars are aligned and I'm glowing due to all the attention I get. Sounds kinda vain of me, huh? Well, if the shoe fits.....

Death and Roses

Death is such and unpleasant proposal. Day to day we take our life for granted not thinking about the end until something happens that shakes us awake to the reality that we only have a limited time here among the living.

I, on the other hand, am not like most. I am constantly thinking that life is too short and seems to be flying by too quickly. I have had my own brushes with death and have confronted the angel of death knocking on family's door as well. Constant thoughts flood my mind of a time where I will lose the ones that I love most. And though I know that all of this is inevitable, and I suppose a bit morbid, it helps me to not take anyone or anytime for granted.

With that said...I tend to have frighteningly vivid dreams. It gets to the severity that once I wake up it takes me a few minutes to realize that I was dreaming. I have had dreams like this all my life but as I have gotten older they have become more and more vivid. Last week I dreamed that my close friend had gone missing and that we had sent out search parties and filed numerous police reports. When I woke up crying I had to call her to find out if she was ok. She of course was just fine.

Today I woke up crying from one of the most horrible dreams I think I have ever had...and I've had some pretty horrific ones in my past. In this dream I walked up to my father and saw him in a red sweater that was much too big for his already skinny frame. His face was dark and sunken in around the eyes and cheeks. His glasses were gone and he just shuffled along the sidewalk toward me. I hugged him so tight that I thought I might have broken him and I told him that every time I see him I feel like it's been forever since the last time we saw each other. He just hugged me and told me that he had cancer but that it would be ok...which is something my dad would say in a tough time. I woke up devastated. It took me a full 5 minutes to convince myself that he wasn't sick and that it was all a dream.

All that coupled with my thoughts on death and the fact that I'm closer to my parents than anyone else on this earth really hit hard. Oddly I tell my parents everything and anything that goes on with me or that I'm thinking about. Nothing is kept from them. And though that may seem a bit weird, it's the most natural thing to me. I don't think I'll be able to handle them passing. I pray that God waits until I'm ready. Is that selfish of me?

Why can't you just be normal?

I was asked by a co-worker today, "Why can't you just be normal?" He said that I'll never get married or find a boyfriend because I'm just too goofy. I'm sorry but I'm just going to have to disagree with that statement. Just because I enjoy Doctor Who, Star Trek, Disney and find little stupid things amusing doesn't make me essentially 'broken' in a sense to where I can never find someone who will want to be with me. There are plenty of people who have their love of World of Warcraft and Dungeons & Dragons and they are in relationships. It's as simple as finding someone who enjoys the same things that you do and if not they accept your weird quirks and let you be who you are. Yes, I love geeky things that are not 'normal' but why would I want to be with someone who I couldn't be myself with? Besides...I like me. :)