Light Bulb!

Over the past few weeks I have thought alot about my life and the person I not only want to become but the person I currently am. I've thought about what I want out of life and how I can use my life and actions to improve the lives of others. I know that I'll never figure it all out and discover the meaning of life. But what I have come to know is that no matter what....me planning my life isn't really working for me. I just have to go with the flow. What happens happens and where I end up is where I end up.

that's because I never know what I'm doing, I don't think before I speak, I think too much, I make hasty decisions without really thinking, I don't have it all figured out, I'm a procrastinator, I make sense only in my own head, I'm unconventional, I have no idea what I'm doing from one moment to the next, I'm slightly hypocritical, I care too hard and get lost often. I'm by no means perfect but at least at the end of the day I can say that through and through I'm me 100%.

Opening yet another chapter...

In my last few posts I know I told you all that I've decided that I'd become a vagabond of sorts and that I would be moving around at random and experiencing new things and cities, etc. Well, now that I've made the first step in that voyage I have realized that I am a wuss and that I might have gotten mixed signals from myself. I told myself that I wanted out and that I wanted something new and adventurous. ....I might have misunderstood what I was telling myself lol.

Though I love travel and experiencing new things I have come to a point in my life where I want to settle in somewhere. And despite what I thought when I was younger, I want to be as close to my family as possible. I am loving my little 'break' here but I am definitely decided that I do not want to be here permanently. Actually the day I got here I wanted to turn around and go home. Alot of people are expecting many things from me that I just don't think I'll be able to it give them. I admit that I have no clue what the hell I'm doing...in any aspect of my life. I'm still trying to figure out what I should/want to do be doing. I may never figure it out. But what I do know and what is clear at this point in my life is that I love travel, I love meeting new people, I'm enamored with history and I can take as many vacations as my wallet and good planning can get me but that I don't want to leave my family very far behind. Life is too short to piss away time with those who you care about most.

So in conclusion...I have no idea what I'm doing other than disappointing some people, confusing myself, putting miles on my car and continuing to try and figure out what I'm doing with myself. :)

:(

I would like to preface this post by explaining that if you don't know what type of person I am already just know that I am the least judgmental, most forgiving and patient person there is. I put up with a LOT of crap before I just walk away from a friendship. Now, I'm not saying that to fluff my own feathers but merely to express that I'm not a bad person. I've never in my life encountered anyone who flat out doesn't like me and thinks that I'm out to get them....until now. I won't use names for the sheer fact that it's rude and I wouldn't want anything to come back and bite me in the ass although I'm quite certain that it will regardless of my efforts.

This person has held disdain for me for years. I've tried in more ways than one to fix this notion and mend what I could but no matter how much I try or what I say it never waivers. I know I shouldn't care what they think of me but unfortunately I am in a position to where I cannot simply walk away from this person and pretend they don't exist. It hurts to know that I originally cared so much for this person and that I was being deceived the whole time. Not only did they go behind my back and invade my privacy but they also won't be grown up enough to come to me and discuss their issues. My biggest pet peeve is fake people who pretend to like you or be something they're not. This is all that I've gotten from this person from years. I've been used emotionally and never really been treated like the adult that I now am.

I say all this to say that I don't know what to do at this point. If I speak my mind with this person then they might dislike me more than they already do. My filter doesn't work at all so it's all or nothing! If I say nothing then I'll just be allowing my annoyance to bottle up inside. Ugh.

Umm....

.....yeah. I know I haven't posted anything in a while. Not that anyone is heartbroken or anything by any means I'm sure. I think the reason why I haven't posted in a while is because I don't really have anything new to really talk about. I noticed that my posts are usually rants about various things that annoy me. Maybe that's why I haven't made a post in a while. I don't really have anything to rant about. I am content.

There are plenty of those who want to complain about me moving and think that it's a bad idea, etc. But I haven't listened to any of them nor have I let any of it get me heated to the point of me responding to any of them. I know that this is what I want to do and I think it will be good, end of story.

So, pardon the rather bland update but I will share more when I get closer I'm sure. 2 weeks and counting! :)

Packin' up and Headin' West!

Ok, so although I said previously that I'm going to move out to TX or somewhere in them parts (gotta start workin' on my accent now ya'll lol) I have officially made the decision to move. A few people aren't happy with the idea but as my mother always says, 'unless they're paying your bills and deciding whether or not you get into Heaven don't pay attention to what they think.' It's not like it's the first time that I've moved or made decisions for myself and people got upset with me for various reasons. I'm just over it.

I don't know what adventure awaits once I get there but I'm ready for it. I'm excited for the new friends I'll make and the opportunities I'll have. So regardless of the negativity I'm getting from my father and various friends I'm still excited. Now, granted being me I can't get away with just sheer excitement since I'm riddled with issues. Of course I have a hard time with change. If the furniture is moved a different way, switching offices, moving across the country....I freak the freak out. Thankfully after a few days weeks I get acclimated and I am miraculously in love with my new surroundings and don't know what I did before then. And you wondered why I'm single! ;)

Age is Only a Number

I've always been one who gets along with older people rather than people my own age or even younger. Never have I pre-judged anyone for their age. I give them the benefit of the doubt and see if they're mature (or immature) for their age and thus we become fast friends. Though I have discovered lately that some people match their ages perfectly despite them attesting to this notion. I learned the hard way recently that those who are a little immature (or at least this specific person) tend to think that their problems and concerns are the only ones that matter in the world.

I on the other hand have always acted much older than I am (or so I've been told) no matter how hard I try to fight it. In my group of friends I am referred to as the "mom" of the group. Though I've tried to shake this title I take it with a grain of salt as I will never stop being concerned and looking out for my friends or other people for that matter. It's just who I am.

As I consider myself beyond my age bracket maturity wise I assumed everyone felt the same. Apparently to some that is not the case. A co-worker of mine told me yesterday that she doesn't think of me as a co-worker but just as someone who is younger than her. I took this as an insult. She always starts off by saying, "you know you young people." I get there are generational gaps and things have changed and we have a different way of thinking. But don't loop me into a category of people that you have created wherein you think young people are all immature and inexperienced and don't know nearly as much as you nor have they experienced anything in their lives. Granted there are younger people in this category...but not every young person deserves to be in this category.

I suppose I felt insulted because I've been working in my field of work for close to 7 years and I think myself to be knowledgeable enough to be thought of as an equal no matter how much of an age difference there is. And not to sound my age or anything but this co-worker is 20 years my senior and I'm above her in the hierarchy of our profession...just sayin'.

Turning a New Chapter

I have had a lot of time to think the past couple of weeks as to what direction I want to take with my life. What I really want to do and where I want to be. Now, granted I had no grand gesture from God telling me what I was to do and where He wanted me to go. (Although that would have made things so much simpler.)

But I did realize that at 26 (ouch!) years old I have no kids, no significant other, nothing tying me down. I could be a vagabond and not have to answer to anyone. Granted people would be upset, my father would chastise me and ask me what my "plan" is. The thing is, I've never really had a plan. Nor have I ever been fond of the idea of it. I had an idea of what I wanted but I never gave myself a chance to explore that idea.

Maybe I'll just take time to be selfish and think of me and what I want to do. I have no obligations to anyone. My family will always be there to love me at the end of the day no matter what decisions I make. Maybe it's time for me to pick up and start over somewhere new. Somewhere where no one knows my name, where no one knows who I am or what my past is. It's a clean slate.